Overcoming narcissist Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw.
Don’t absorb technique, observe instead.
Another way to emotionally disconnect from the manipulation.
As the saying goes by George Bernard Shaw “ never wrestle with a pig, you’ll get dirty, and the pigs like it”
The simple advice is to watch the narcissist, listen to the narcissist do not react.
Imagine you’re watching them on tv. Look at them from head to toe. Watch their body language and facial expression. Ask yourself “how is the narcissist trying to get me to react?” Then do not react, by not reacting you’ll leave them powerless. You can then watch and observe them go into all the other manipulation forms they use. Again observe them.
Tell yourself “I’m in control.” And “I am strong.” Tell yourself “ observe to deflect the toxins. Don’t absorb the toxins then react.”
Keep your tone even, stay relaxed, do not show them any emotions, you can scream and cry once they have left. This is why it’s best to stick to the message. Never respond instantly. If you don’t need to respond don’t, trying to clear your name, or make them aware of your, thoughts, feelings and opinions doesn’t work, they are not interested in those, they just want to draw you in.
When you can practice observing and not absorbing. Disconnect and observe with wonder and curiosity. Watch how dysfunctional and manipulative they are, how incapable the narcissist is to continue with manipulation when you don’t react.
With a narcissist, with how they manipulate they gain control, by pulling you deeper and deeper in.
If you drink something toxic you get physically sick. If you listen to a toxic person over time you get mentally sick.
You’ve left the narcissist, you know what they are, yet if there are not major safeguarding issues in place to completely stop contact with the children, you may still have to deal with them, or if they are a family member or a work colleague you can not completely remove, from your life.
Before I continue, please remember, The narcissist personality disorder, like other disorders, is on a spectrum. They all have similar traits, they all use these differently to what they find effective. If your children still see the narcissist, and you can counteract any manipulation they use towards their children. The children will grow up for the better as they’ll understand toxic people, they will always in some way love the parent as it’s mum or dad, If children are withheld a relationship with the other parent. They will grow up to paint a picture in their head of who they are and track them down, to which the narcissist will manipulate it’s all you.
With other safeguarding issues are too big and it had to be no contact, in this case, keep as much information as possible in writing for when the children are old enough to understand.
If the children are no contact, I recommend saving everything, from court orders, police reports, to messages. When old enough you’ll be able to show the children these. One day your child will ask “who’s my mum or dad?” They will ask why they couldn’t see them. This will be tough and saying “they’re a narcissist” might not cut it, especially if they track the parent down, who will then manipulate. Just give them appreciate answers for their ability, there is no wrong or right way, you are mum or dad, you know them better than others. Also in life to life situations, when you get the opportunity to teach them this technique. Not only will it help them when they see the narcissist parent, but it will also help those who don’t see them and still track them down later in life. It will also help them in work situations, friends or extended family members. Just take the advice that works for you and your own situation as they are all different.
You need to observe what happens, you are distancing yourself from the situation, you need to consciously, disassociation from the situation. Purposefully, distancing yourself from emotional attachment, so you can keep control of your emotions and the situation. If you observe you don’t let them affect your emotions and get under your skin, you’re not connecting emotionally. So you’ll not absorb the toxins or get pulled into what they are trying to achieve.
They want to set off your emotions when your emotions get attached to the situation they get you to react. The narcissist is extremely manipulative and will them twist everything because your emotions are involved, you can not defend yourself or set appropriate boundaries.
To get drawn into it is like accepting the narcissist poison into your mind. To look at poison it’ll not affect you. Respect as us with emotions can respect others, a narcissist cannot. So respect the narcissist manipulative power, watch it and learn from it. Do not take it in.
With your children. If they get into an argument even with yourself. When you are both calm, ask them how they felt? Why did they feel their needs were not been met? Explain how you felt. So they understand others emotions. Let them know it’s ok to feel how they did. Don’t just give in we all need boundaries, explain why it was a No. Think carefully before you say no, make sure you have a valid reason. Even if it’s just ” no its bedtime now.” if that turns into a battle at least you can explain to them how important sleep is. When a situation happens around them you can talk with them about it. Ask, how do you think the others felt? What would you have done differently and why?.
Yes being a parent is a tough job, yes we all make mistakes. Raising them, when the other parent is a narcissist, can be draining as we have to raise our game more than other parents. Remind yourself, you’re doing your personal best and your children will be ok.
If you can remove them from your life and go no contact, do it, if you have children, or they are a family member you can not remove, ( if a family member is extremely toxic you need to remove them.) or a work colleague, it’s grey rock and observe do not absorb.
Then your own inner mind and happiness will become so much more peaceful.