Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw- Life Coach.
Why does a narcissist have children?
Narcissists like to repackage their shame as a false dream.
They mostly have children for one of two reasons.
First, they are relying on you wanting that happy ever after, wanting you to keep the family unit together. Male or female narcissists believe they can keep you hooked longer with a child together, narcissists also think they have a higher chance of the hoover ( trying to get back together with you.) If you have a child together.
With a male narcissist, when the female is pregnant most can not handle it, because they are no longer the priority, they are no longer getting all the attention. Everyone is running around after the female, which causes considerable criticism to the narcissist so a lot will up and leave during the actual pregnancy, often returning after the child is born, but not always. Did you hear the phrase?
“You are my capsule.”
“ I’ve chosen you to have my child.”
Some will pretend to look after you, and these are the ones that are protecting their interest, the child. These narcissists will often be the ones who want custody of the child when the relationship breaks down but not always.
The female narcissist uses having children for similar reasons, to trap the male to them and always have a pawn to use to draw the male back to them. Having a child in the narcissist’s mind is just increasing the chance of winning the game of chess with the child as a pawn and then as King or Queen. Also, if they are struggling for a new intimate partner, they know they can pick the child up to use and gain positive or negative attention. Then when they meet a new intimate partner, they often, yet not always, drop the child. Sometimes they will use children to meet partners. Some narcissists will use the child to play the look at me. I’m a great parent, let’s have a child together card.
Having a child to a narcissist is a
1. A self-serving illusion.
2. A feel-good redemption story about themselves.
3. Recasting themselves into victim mode, when the other parent will not let them see the child or, hero mode as they saved the child from the crazy parent.
4. Creates, for a short time, a distance of fundamental brokenness within themselves, this can not last for them as they can not heal their inner selves.
The narcissist that purposely wants to have children does not have a baby, to make the child feel loved, safe or cherished. It’s always about them and meeting their own needs.
So they can re-package their own shame and possibly their personal childhood trauma, which they are usually oblivious to. They live in a fantasy that never becomes a long-lasting reality, to the narcissist they themselves are the best and most important person.
When they think about having a child, it’s all about an illusion to serve themselves. They can make up a story to themselves why they are such a good parent. Some can and will act to outsiders like they are a great parent and will tell anyone who’ll listen that they are. Having a child allows them to experience artificial love, attention and validation, as the narcissist is fundament broken.
Having a child that behaves for the narcissist and hangs on the narcissists every word, the narcissist sees that child as an extension of themselves, often creating the golden child, the golden child mostly acts how the narcissistic parent wants most of the time.
Children who go against the narcissist will be blamed for ruining the narcissists dream life this usually creates the scapegoat child.
The video for a scapegoat and golden child is at the bottom.
The narcissistic parent cannot be unconditional. Empathetic or loving to the child. They can not genuinely care, only when it meets a need of their own.
The narcissist simply tells themselves a story that makes them feel important.
The narcissist feels powerful like a god for creating life.
The vindication parent, “ everyone was wrong about me.” Usual because of the judgment they had as a child of being a trouble maker, or the bad kid, they felt like they were the disappointment to their parents, so they can now show everyone how wrong they were about them because they are a perfect parent. They pour attention into the child to prove everyone wrong. When people are watching. It’s not about the child it never is. The narcissist is meeting their own needs.
So they can show the world look at me now I’m a top parent. Yet when no one is looking they often ignore their own child.
They think a child will heal them, from the pain of their own childhood.
They think having a child will show the world how perfect they are. They feel they are superior and a better parent than those around them.
They have a child, so someone finally needs them. The child will love them and always take care of them.
They get a chance to be the parent they never had.
The opposite parent.
“ my parents never took me to dance or football.” You may have heard that pity pay from the narcissist. They will overcompensate and push their childhood dreams onto the child, not taking into account the child wants, needs or wishes.
Not every parent who wants to take children to activities is a narcissist, and most do it out of love for the child to discover what the child likes to do.
They see the child as an extension of themselves, and they now feel powerful and immortal. The child will carry on the family legacy. For men, the narcissist will carry the family name on.
Children adapt to mould themselves to fit the narcissist needs. The child adapts to the narcissist to get love. They’ll either for-fill the roll to get CONDITIONAL love the golden child, or a child will go against the narcissist, the scapegoat child. The narcissist’s class the scapegoat child as a bad seed.
Both receive manipulation and both can experience attachment trauma.
The narcissist will not care for the golden child, yet they will treat the child better than the scapegoat, the child that makes the narcissist look good by conforming to the narcissist’s demands. That child who conforms often also feels responsible for making their parents happy. They will learn tricks of the parent to keep the parent looking happy, and they will never take the spotlight away from the parent. A child of a narcissist can be used as the Golden child, the scapegoat child or the forgotten child, depending on the needs if the narcissist at any given time, a narcissist can also cycle around all three with one child.
Narcissist parents traits cause Attachment trauma within the child.
Narcissist traits/child’s trauma.
Grandiosity: The child cannot.
Entitlement: The child feels unimportant.
Vanity: The child feels like a trophy.
Selfishness: The child needs are ignored.
No empathy: The child feels misunderstood
Competition: The child can not measure up.
Manipulation: The child walks on eggshells.
There is also the narcissistic parent that can not handle the child’s competition and walks away. Often coming back when they feel the child will fill a need. To others, they will always blame the other crazy parent for not allowing access.
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Video for scapegoat child.
Video for the golden and the scapegoat child.
Video on parenting with a narcissist.