How to disarm a toxic person.
Whoever the narcissist is, in your life. They have a remarkable ability to suck you in, to then spit you back out. Often you’re the one left with feelings such as anger, frustration, resentment or emotionally drained.
Many a narcissist uses covert passive-aggressive, manipulative tactics against you. Not all narcissistic people are physically abusive. Instead, the narcissist will exploit us by using our vulnerabilities, kindness, empathy, loyalty, trust, forgiveness and things that we are sensitive about to draw us into their games. The narcissists gaslighting and manipulation causes us to overthink our feelings, ruminate about events, left full of feelings such as fear, guilt, remorse, questioning ourselves and many more.
When talking with a narcissist, mentally prepare yourself first, observe their toxic behaviour, recognise what manipulation tactic they are trying to use and recognise they are trying to get at you.
1. boundaries say no, and make sure you enforce it. You must always implement it.
Set boundaries and stick with them. The boundaries might be as simple as saying no, say they want to pick children up later and do it regularly to disrupt your life, and they don’t even show up, just say, “No, it’s nine as Pre-arranged.” You do not need to respond to any comeback. You stood up for yourself and said no. It’s up to them to either arrive when Pre-arranged or not bother. What they do with that is not your problem.
2. Observe what’s going on like a third person. Listen and watch them like you’re a third party in the room. Read the message like it was sent to someone else. Then you’re not as caught up in the drama. This gives you time to think and respond. Emotionally detach yourself from the situation, no upset, no anger from you as that’s how they win getting the emotional responses. Stick to facts only state it once. You’ve said what needs to be told do not engage in an argument. Don’t act happy either, as they will find a way to twist and manipulate that onto you. When you observe what is going on like you’re a third person, you can detach yourself from the situation. See what happens from a different perspective. Giving you the power to respond non emotionally and to the point. (You can let your emotions out afterwards when they are not around if you need to do so.)
3. Breath, Take a few deep breaths before you respond. Focus on your breathing and becoming mindful. You might notice they are hitting on that same thing within you, using your weaknesses against you. Your heart might be racing. They are just trying to make you feel uncomfortable and unworthy, so be aware of this within yourself.
4. Guard your attention like your life depends on it. Where you focus your attention is where you focus your mind, which is your best asset when talking to a narcissist or toxic person. Focus on the topic and keep your attention on the initial point, as these narcissists love to divert us off the original topic and provoke you in any way they can. They want your attention, and they want your reactions. They want to control the topic of conversation, control how they make you act, control your mind, So keep your attention on the original topic only. You control your attention you will see them taking you off-topic draw you in, and pull you down. When you keep your attention in your own head, you are then thinking within your mind. No, thank you, I’m not going down that route. Let’s stick to what we’re actually discussing. Cancel and delete in your mind what they’re trying to draw you into and stick with the first point. They like to plant seeds of doubt in your mind by deflecting you off-topic. Focus on you, your strengths, your positives, your routine, boundaries and goals. They might try to entice you to go against your integrity, then you feel guilty, and they manipulate. Stick with your own opinions and your personal integrity. Choose your integrity and do not fall into their trap. Remember being aware will help you to achieve this.
5. Deflect whatever covert manipulation they are trying to use. Let it float past you, don’t accept it, don’t respond to it, leave it right there.
6. If you ever start to get upset, or wanting to react, go back to breathing and regain your focus.
7. Never ever give any kind of emotional reaction to a toxic person. They love it and feed off it. So no emotions are to be given. When you get away from them and back home, then you can process that emotion. Go home and let them out. It’s vital you release any emotion they caused when they are not around. You need to let all those emotions out.
8. With a narcissist, when your opinion is different, they will want you to accept theirs, or they’ll want to take you down, saying something to them such as. “ I see you feel strongly about that, as do I. I’m not changing my mind. You’re not changing yours. So we’ll have to agree to disagree.”
9, If you’ve set a new boundary, and then you get from the narcissist,” that’s just like you.” “ You’re selfish” or “ You’re only doing this for your own weird kicks.” or “You are stopping me from seeing the children for your own strange games “, or “ I didn’t think you were this cruel.” ” You’re too regimented.”
If you really want to respond, especially if it’s a face to face conversation, go with “okay.” and repeat or “ That’s interesting “ if you’re going to go more. “ That’s interesting. I wonder what makes you think that” this is also a good response when they are calling you names. Just remember to stay calm and don’t show emotions. Another good response when they are calling you names is, “That’s possible.“ don’t engage in it just deflect it as they do to you.
10. When they are playing the victim and doing the whole woe is me. Say, “ I see you’re upset about this, and you should go work on that” just put the responsibility back onto the rightful owner. Most people find this difficult to start. Remind yourself, how often were they there for me? Also, remember, every time you’ve tried to help them, they’ve thanked you by hurting you. You’re not saying. ”I see you’re upset. You should go work on that.” to hurt them, your telling them you’re no longer their go-to, and they need to learn to help themselves.
11. If they’re throwing one of their toddler tantrums, just say, “ I hope you feel better” then walk away.
12. If they’ve just been plain old rude to you, “ You know when people are rude, it’s because they’ve got no control of their own life, why might you be feeling that way” they shouldn’t want to argue with that and will usually walk away.
13. If it gets tense and they start getting angry and threats, “ Let’s talk when you are calm, so we can keep a mutual respect “, then leave it alone.
Eventually, most will back down and walk away as they don’t know what to do when you’re not engaging or giving any emotions away. Also, when you’re firing back at the things they say to you.
Remember, if you don’t need to talk to the narcissist, don’t. No contact is simply the best method—no response and not reaction.
Retreat, rethink and then respond only if you have to, and only respond once.
Suppose you have to because of children. Messages or email. Save them print them to keep everything documented. This is to help you if the narcissist catches you off guard in person, which they’ll probably try to do if they’re not getting an emotional response or any response/ reaction from you.
Click on the links below to join, Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach on social media, for more information on Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse.
Phrases that might help you.