How to communicate with the narcissist get your point across correctly without an argument. if you still live or work with a narcissist or someone that’s not a narcissist but has some traits, or you’ve left the narcissist, they’ve left you and especially if you’ve got children together, this is the best way to deal with those arguments they try to cause oh so often.
Narcissist love to draw you into none productive arguments to gain whatever attention and emotion they can from you. It’s just programmed into them for lots of reasons, from manipulating you, control you, get a reaction from you, spoil your day, to their opinion is correct and no one else’s matters,
They only care about themselves. It’s a case of it’s my way and that’s it nothing and nobody else matters.
There is a way to communicate with a narcissist if your opinion is different to there’s, they will want to argue and fight.
First what’s going on in their own head. The more knowledge you have about how they think, which they all think the same, it’s all about them and you’re in the wrong. If they did something wrong of course it wasn’t actually them, they’re not accountable it’s you that made them act that way. They believe they are better than everyone else.
With a narcissist it’s all tactics and game play. Anything and everything they do is to keep them in control of those around them, they will get control with persuasion, and manipulation with their tone of voice and the words they use, all else fails they will go to silent treatment and /or violence. They are stubborn and have a closed mind, if it’s of no benefit to them they simply do not care. The worst thing you can do is argue with them. They love the emotional reactions you give them. To them it’s game on I’m winning and they’ll keep going. You can not win an argument with a narcissist by arguing with them. As to them their opinion is correct and they’ll go whatever way they have to. So you believe them.
To us an argument or disagreement isn’t to win, its getting a point across and been true to ourselves, we understand people have other opinions, they do not so they will happily keep it going.
If you think you can go to a narcissist, to explain your thoughts or feelings, why you’re doing something, why what they did has hurt the children, believing you can explain it to them, it’s not going to happen, they’ll either see criticism which they hate, or they’ll just not think your opinion matters as they’re always right. They think they are superior and no one will be able to change their mind. The narcissist has no empathy towards others. So if they have hurt you or your children they don’t care, they don’t see it. They just feed off emotions. Positive or negative.
A narcissist only thinks their own way, they will never take others opinions on board as to them if it doesn’t match theirs, you are wrong. They don’t want or need to understand others. They also hate to think you feel competent within yourself. Whatever you think say or do that doesn’t match the narcissist they just believe your an idiot.
If you do engage with a disagreement with a narcissist they will twist everything with words “ where did you come up with that stupid idea “ or “ who on earth told you that, their an idiot” or “ it’s not me that’s got the problem it’s you” or “ I think you need some mental help” remember the words they use are tactics to drive you crazy and confused. To make you feel stupid, wrong and foolish
“ I told you that last week, I’m sure you’re losing your mind”
you know full well they didn’t. All these words slowly spin around in your head until you do find yourself, questioning you. Gas lighting is another favourite of theirs. Anything to make you feel like you are crazy and your rely on them to lead you and your thoughts.
First and foremost, as the narcissist will not see anyone’s opinions as valid if it doesn’t match their own, the best thing to do is leave well alone. No contact or limited contact. Get on with your life and what’s best for you. With children sometimes you may have engage with a disagreement with a narcissist, the best place to start is within your own mindset. You need to stay as calm and as emotionless as you can. Best offering no emotion.
Before approaching them start with your own minds set.
Ask yourself if what you’re thinking makes sense first? if you can counteract what they’ve done with the children etc before you talk to them
Ask yourself do you believe in you?
If that’s yes. When you do talk to them remember a plain calm voice with zero emotions. Don’t try to convince them or persuade them. Just stick to the fact and the point. Do not start defending yourself when they try to twist it round onto you, which they always do, do not get drawn into it, do not go off topic, remember they’re just trying to maintain control any way they can. The more you try to defend yourself the more they’ll provoke you. Stay decisive, do not say any emotional words to them. “You upset then ” they will twist that straight back at you. It’s not your job to change their opinions, it’s your job to stay true to you are and keep to your boundaries.
One example when you have to discuss children. I’ve written a piece on parallel parenting. Please read it. It helps.
Narcissist love to use children to try and keep control of you. Letting them down at the drop of a hat, changing days and times. If you’ve set up a routine for your children, stick to it. children thrive on routine, even more so if the other parent is a narcissist. If the narcissist wants to mess it around simple answers. Again message are best as everything is written with no emotion.
Stick with the facts and what’s going to happen.
“ no you’re not having the children then it’s not your day”
“No we can not met their later, the arranged time is 9. Either get them at 9 or not at all”
If the narcissist doesn’t agree then that’s their problem not yours. You know you make sense you know you’re doing your best by yourself and your children. You know the narcissist doesn’t care, so it’s the narcissist problem it they don’t agree not yours. Stay true to yourself.
Yes you’ll get all the “ you’re keeping the children from me”
Stick to what you said be assertive.
Do not get drawn into this. That’s not your problem, they can get them on days times already set in the routine. If they don’t want to that’s not your problem. It’s theirs If you’ve explained to them before why there is no room for adjustment no reason to do so again, even if this was 6 months ago.
If they threaten mediation just say “ok” no more no less. Hopefully you’ll have lots of messages to show the mediator how many chances they had. Read how to win in court. So you know how to handle the narcissist in mediation.
If you truly have to respond.
“ nonetheless it’s not your day”
“Nonetheless, pick up is 9, upto you”
I recommend if at all possible just to stick with no contact, just some hints and tips if you really have to talk to them.