Trauma bonding with the narcissist.
How to identify and break the trauma bonds with a narcissist.
Trauma bonds are both biological and emotional, you cannot fall out of a trauma bond like you can fall out of love.
When you no longer love the narcissist or even hate them. That trauma bond can still be present. These bonds have to be broken so you can heal. It’s very difficult to stay away from a narcissist especially if you still love them and are bonded to them. First I recommend you find out about narcissism, this will help you fall out of love with them. It’ll also help you stick to no contact or limited if you have children. Then you can heal the trauma bond.
You’re not alone lots of people stay in abusive relationship, even when they know they want to leave. Lots of people also go back because of this trauma bond. It’s another manipulative tactic the narcissist will use. They know that even though you’ve left, or they left. That you’re trauma bonded and that’s why they will try to hoover.
The longer the relationship goes the harder it is to break free, as your boundaries will have been ripped apart by the narcissist to the point where you no longer have any. As they’ve controlled you for so long, you’ll not know who you are without them.
Trauma bonds are caused by the golden period of the relationship with the narcissist, the the manipulation, love bombing then abuse. It keeps you off balance and hoping for that golden period to come back.
Traumatic relationships causes hormones to be released, like adrenaline.
In the golden period you get the dopamine hormone, that is so intense, your simply hooked on them.
With this pattern of hormonal release it becomes extremely addictive, within the body and the mind.
After the trauma bond has been created it’s hard to stay away from the narcissist as you lose the intensity of these hormones. You may find you mistake yourself for been in love with the narcissist when your are not. It’s worse it’s a chemical and emotional bonding to the narcissist. You become dependent on them as a direct result of the abuse and inconsistency.
It’s the cycle of hormones your body and mind has become so used to and after being so conditioned by the narcissist you’re hooked. It’s addiction to the cycle rather than the person.
When you look at the facts and find them, you’ll probably no longer respect them. You don’t trust them, you may fear them. You don’t like how they behave. You’ll probably not have much in common with them. This is not love. You don’t want the narcissist because you love them. It’s the trauma bond and conditioning they caused. You may think the narcissist will change. This is to try and justify to yourself why you take them back. You need to realise this to break free, A narcissist will never change.
If someone is hurting you, cheating on you, lying to you, undermining your confidence, telling people lies about you, gaslighting you manipulating you. They do not care about you. The Narcissist only cares about themselves. They are abusing you and it is as bad as it seems to you. Truly listen to how they speak. It will always somehow revert back to them, unless you caught them out. Then of course it’ll be twisted around to being all your fault.
There is no excuse for a narcissist to abuse you. They don’t love you, you no longer love them. All you need to do is break the trauma bond which is hard.
To break the trauma bond you need to talk to yourself and work out that the narcissist is abusive in so many ways and they never change. You need to start living in reality. Accept the truth. Look at it for what it is. It’ll never change. You need to acknowledge that someone who loved and cared would not constantly treat you this way. They will not change. You need to realise that you do not love them. You have empathy and emotions you’re allowed to be upset and grieve, in fact that’s a vital part of the healing process from the trauma bond. Your losing something that was once valuable to you. Even if that person you first met never actually existed, just a narcissist hiding behind the mask. Like a vampire hiding from the sun. A narcissist will draw ever bit of your energy emotions and personality always from you often leaving you empty. Thats ok it happened because you’re a good person that likes to see the best in every one, But what can you do about an empty glass. Yes you can fill it back up. A building starts with foundations. You can build yours again, with more knowledge than you had before. Turn you into a better you. The narcissist will not help fix you. If the narcissist was to smash a glass on the floor so it’s completely broken. That narcissist can not come in say sorry to it in narcissist way “ I’m sorry you jumped out of my hand glass” and put it back together it’ll never happen. You’re allowed scars. Now picture that glass back together with pretty sparkly glue. Yes exactly you’ll not go to who you were before, you can make yourself better than you was before with some added touches. You’ll be more aware to move onto good people who don’t want to break you in the first place.
Feel how you feel now, if it’s hurting you, your children or you family. If this is how you felt last year and you gave it another go, you know it didn’t work because here you are again. You can and you will break this cycle and when you do your life will be amazing. Others have done it and so can you.
Take each day as it comes. Start by living in the moment. Baby steps to help you get to where you want to be. You will feel better soon enough and before you know it you’ll feel great.
You need to create strong boundaries with the narcissist to gain your self respect and self care. Who cares what they are saying, they just want to destroy you as narcissist hate seeing others happy as they can never be truly happy. You can be and you will be. You can accept accountability they can not.
You also have empathy so it’s ok that you wanted to help them change and be a good person. There is nothing wrong with you. But you do however need to realise that, you tried, you have it your all, it’s breaking you and you’re no longer a happy confident person and you need to walk away from the narcissist forever. Then you need to put all that effort you put into trying to help them. That effort needs to be put into helping you. Yes you can change. You changed who you once were for the narcissist so you can change to who you want to be now.
Yes it’s hard but you can do it. Acknowledge your feeling your allowed them. Write them done.
Make a list of fantasy then write the reality it helps
Example. Fantasy “ they said they would cheat”
Reality “ they cheated 3 more times”
When you acknowledge it out loud or writing it down it helps, the chemical component of the trauma bond will lessen over time thus making it easier to move on.
Yes it’s hard but it helps break the trauma bond.
Stay strong and keep going. You can do it.