Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse, by Elizabeth Shaw – Life Coach.
The narcissist and what they do with theirs and your belongings.
The narcissist personality disorder is a disorder, people can have narcissistic traits, yet it doesn’t mean they are a narcissist, so some people can do this just because they are hurting.
Things to look out for are, do they think they are entitled to everything? Do they use people for their own gains? Do they exploit others? Do they lack in empathy towards others? Do they find blame within others and never themselves? If those answers are yes, you are most likely dealing with someone on the disorder. You did not cause it, you can not change it, you can not control it, that is who they are, you can only control your reactions to it, retreat, rethink and respond only if you need to do so, stick to the point and only respond once, most often if what you are saying does not match what they think, then to them you are the enemy, and they seek to destroy, through smear campaigns, gaslighting, silent treatments, blame-shifting, and other manipulative games.
Narcissists love playing manipulation games with people, and they will do so via any means possible including theirs and your belongings.
If you’ve been with a narcissist you’ll know most will up and leave as and when it suits, a lot of the times when you are at a low point and need them the most, yet some will only take a few of their belongings. Why do they do this? Do they simply not care about their belongings. More about finding ways to get at you, or playing victim to others of how you’ve kept everything. YES, they care about some of their belongings, those belongings they most often take with them, the rest it is just another one of their manipulative tactics.
With narcissist it’s all about those manipulative mind games they seem to enjoy so much. So every time you are on the rise to true happiness again, something they will never be able to do within themselves. They like to have a backup plan of more manipulation to see if they can mess with your mind some more. Which simply means they are in desperate needs of a reaction from you, they need others attention, and if they can not get positive, they will happily take negative attention. To say they don’t care about you is very accurate. They care when you are meeting their needs. What they do care about is themselves, they care about getting your emotional reaction.
Those on the disorder are missing emotional empathy so they can not truly relate to how others feel, they might have cognitive understanding, meaning they can think how they feel, yet they are incapable of putting themselves into another person’s shoes to connect on a deeper level.
Psychologist also say the lack in object consistency, this is developed around the age of two or three with the primary caregiver, those of us who have object consistency can relate, think and care about others even if there is conflict or distance, yet as soon as there is and conflict or distance for the narcissist they can simply just stop caring.
They can leave their belongings just to leave you with some hope they’ll come back because they believe you’ll be waiting for them and they think you don’t know what they are. Healthy people don’t go from I love you yesterday to nope I just don’t love you today. Yet without empathy and object consistency, those with the disorder do. It is okay if you’ve ever hoped or is still hoping they return, you are not a narcissist, you cared for them and wanted to help them, we all accept behaviour from them we should have never accepted, yet we learn and grow from it. Then we move on from it for a much happier life.
They leave their belongings as they think they can return because a manipulator has to talk to you to manipulate you. So they can message, email or call you up about their belongings, to test the waters on the hoover or just irritate your spirt, especially if you have not yet healed, they will also blame-shift that you’ve kept them twisting it all around onto you, so you defend yourself, and the narcissist has you right where they want you, locked into an argument of proving yourself to them and possibly others, you know you are a good person, if you are struggling with knowing this, write down everything you did to help them, even those negatives when you were possibly an enabler, you most likely had good intentions. One step better they might try to arrange to come and get their belongings when you’re in. All while they’re telling the replacements the woe is my story about how you’ll not give them their belongings back, which falls into the next reasons they’ll happily leave as much of their stuff as possible.
To help the narcissist with their smear campaigns, most people who’ve been discarded will feel anger and resentment So what they really want to do is, burn their belongings, cut it up, go to the new partners and dump it, which then matches the narcissists story of you’re crazy, if you’ve done this, you are not alone, you’re human with emotions. Or if pack all their stuff up and chuck it in the bin, take a photo and press send then again you have just reacted. They can now mind mess with your head about how childish you are, even though they disappeared and don’t talk to you for a week or five, even months or years.
Or you pack up all their belongings and dump onto the front garden of your replacements house which might make you feel good for the second but it’ll not last so please don’t. Yes, a normal person that messes up and cheats, their new partner will see precisely why you’d do this. A narcissist new partner is not the same. Remember the narcissist has filled their head in with lies about you and just how crazy you are, all they told you about their apparent “crazy ex.” Before you. And the smear campaign. How’s this act going to look? Meaning you’ve just played right into the narcissist’s hands.
Best way to handle a smear campaign is leaving them to it, they find it increasingly difficult without reactions from you, it’s understandable to want to defend yourself, yet you do not need to explain yourselves to these people, they don’t listen, and they don’t care, or they are pleased it happening to you, and you’re reacting, gossip is much harder to spread without any evidence.
Please don’t worry if you’ve already done this it’s a perfectly normal reaction for most people who’ve been cheated on especially in the way narcissist do it. Unfortunately, because of how a narcissist is programmed, they will not feel guilty like someone healthy who just cheated on you would. They’re waiting on your reaction to confirm the crazy story off you.
Two years ago, I packed all my ex’s stuff up and placed in the garage for them to collect. Sent them a message letting them know. Even his parents who he was giving a 7-month silent treatment too, so they came round to see the grandchildren, said how thought-full I was and I wasn’t like all the others, who’d Chucked it, burnt it and cut it up. I fully see why they did this, and I give them a round of applause 👏 for doing so and for breaking free.
So what did I get a thank you? Nope, I got a message saying “ for someone who’s regimented and organised, you’ve not packed my things very well “ think I almost wet myself with laughter. I did not respond.
Although I did respond about a telly they so desperately wanted back. You know the one in the living room that our two young children sit and watch. The only thing the narcissist had brought for the home in the last five years. Even though they were living with my replacement, who had TVs.
So they said I had to buy it off them for £500. Or they wanted it tomorrow. Well, that telly was in the sale. So I purchased a brand new one exactly the same for £299. Win-win. I messaged to say new telly arriving in morning yours will be in the garage to collect. What did I get. “ no today’s no good I don’t want it today”. “ no, I don’t want it at this house.”
That would be ok, but I didn’t want it getting broken. I didn’t want the responsibility of it. I was finally free of the narcissist, and I wanted to be free of their belongings. So what did I do? I picked up that 40inc tv with a grin on my face marched it to my replacements home when I knew ex-narcissist was home. Put it in front of the gate and messaged. To get a barrage of an abusive message back on how they didn’t want it. Hang on a min you wanted it back! What changed, oh yes you got your telly as you asked. You did not get any reaction from me. I just replied, “ it’s outside “.
I waited and took a photo to have proof they’d gotten it as I’d got wiser to who they were. How they’d use anything to manipulate and twist.
I was strong-minded. Strong-willed and I was taking back control of my life for me. While they slowly slipped into the someone, I used to know bracket.
If they have belongings of yours. They’ll not give it to you, and they might make arrangements to return them or let you pick them up, for them to then break those arrangements, as you are most likely aware by now, they are full of empty, false promises, this is just to get a reaction from you. They can not function on their own, which is why they triangulate exes. When it comes to your belongings, if you can get sentimental items out first this is best if you’ve already left, do you have a friend or family member who could get your belongings? Otherwise, you’re best just leaving it, some might bring it back, usually if they are coming for the hoover.
You can not negotiate with these people, and they are not interested in what you have to say.
If all else fails and you’ve had their belongings for a long time. Take to a family member if there are any good ones and not flying monkeys or enablers. Take it to a charity shop. You don’t need their belongings. In your home just because you’re a good person, it’s time to get rid of it all. If they ask about it after it’s gone, don’t worry, no doubt you gave them plenty of chances, if you destroyed it don’t worry, that’s in the past. Just play them at their own game and either don’t respond or just keep replying with “ what belongings?” Don’t get drawn into an argument, the best response is . “I don’t have your things.” Best is block, delete and don’t respond.
So where you might have left belongings in your haste to get out. They leave to further manipulation, either to come for the hoover, to get you to defend yourself in a verbal battle, or to help with their smear campaign.
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Video for more information on the smear campaign.
Video for more information on the idolisation, devaluation, discard and hoover.