Are you trying to co-parent, parallel parent or no contact for your children and their other parent, with a narcissist, toxic or negative ex. Constantly wondering what the next thing they will do to their children. Worried and scared of how it’s affecting your children.
It’s no easy task, we all make mistakes and have set backs.Do not let these bother you just learn from them and move on.
When you’re a single parent, taking care of the children, the home, the bills possibly trying to work to, it can be draining and it can be hard. You are not alone in how you feel, there is also others that have come through it with a positive outcome. If someone else can do it then so can you. Start by telling yourself that today. Then the next step is to start believing it, then show yourself you are doing it. I will put some post on to help you. Achieve where you want to be.
This page, is for guidance, advice how to help you and your children. Also teach about narcissist. So I must point out there is no wrong or right way to parent. No wrong or right way of how much contact your ex has with the children. Although each situation people have been through will have striking resemblances when dealing with a narcissist. Each situation is different. Only you know the full extent and the full story. Believe in you. take what you can and parent your own amazing way.
Now the best rule with a narcissist is. Ignore ignore, ignore.
This gives you time and space to think clearly, positive and happy. This also give you the best method to counteract any thing the ex says to the children. Show them how good people treat others. For you when the ex pics up, say hello to the ex, not for him or for you, for the children. If your ex says something nasty to you in front of the children respond with short simply none emotional sentence, yes I know it’s hard something like “ I’m not discussing this at the moment” or “ that’s not kind is it” then look at your children and ask how they feel. This teachers your children respect to say hello and be polite, it also teaches them that it’s ok to have boundaries around negative people, even if that person is their other parent.
Consistently, children need consistency to feel safe and secure.
Boundaries for the children so they know what is and is not acceptable behaviour.
Routine, this again helps them feel safe and secure. Also routine on when they see the other parent. So the children know when they are coming and going.
If you don’t already have routine and boundaries don’t jump straight in, massive change will not help and they are more likely to act up to try and get control over an already confusing time, again baby steps, one thing at a time. One week make it so bath is between 6-7 then stick to it, week after, breakfast is between 8-9 then stick to it, slowly keep adding but also allow for flexibility.
Get them into a sport or a hobby they enjoy, exercise that’s fun for them is great for the mind, join toddler groups if you have young ones, get them mixing making friends and learning, finding out for themselves what they enjoy and what will drive them forward in the future. Teach them that’s you go out to win at a sport but it is ok to lose, tell them “ that’s just a lesson to either let it go and move onto something else, or work harder to achieve what you want. Let them know it’s ok to fail, but with failing teachers you the lesson to get back up and try again, take a difference approach. Learn from yourself and from others around you, but be kind always especially to those who are kind to you, for you as well as for themselves.
One of the best methods to help you children is Talk, talk and talk some more to your children.
Now none of this is easy and it’s a mammoth task to begin with, especially if your at the start of your single parent journey, just remember. One minute, one day one week at a time one step at a time, you make make a mistake as well all sometimes get annoyed with ourselves and our children, just move past it and talk to them about it.
You will soon notice these simple easy steps you are taking are getting bigger and bigger. Until it comes natural to you.
Human nature to children is, curiosity, playfulness, eager to learn, eager to please, selflessness and a drive to survive.
Work on yourself to so you lead by example, your children will learn over the years your actions match your words, as the narcissist parents will not, if at any point your words don’t you must explain the reason why.
Instead of just giving In for an easy life, especially if it something you’ll not be able to do for them, take time for yourself to think and reflect on the best way to handle it.
If the see an advert on telly for something they want and you simply can not get/ do it. Just say “not at this moment at time I can not afford it, “ or if you think you can but don’t want to get it them today even though they are sulking, pleading with you “ yes when you’ve got your next swimming badge, if your school reports good, when you’ve worked hard for yourself and achieved something, I don’t mind helping if you need help, as in life we have to work hard to get paid and get the stuff we want it’s not just I see I get”
If you use the naughty word, try and remove this, yes they may jump on the sofa and you may not like it, you may not mind your children doing this it’s just an example. Do not say “stop that it’s naughty” as it’s simply playful curiosity, just say “ please don’t do that, I don’t want it messing up and I don’t want an accident, let’s see if we can jump up and down on the floor together”
If they snatch a toy “ that’s not very kind, I know you really like it and want to play with it, how do you think you would feel if someone did that to you”
Say things like “ let’s go and sit down and reflect on what’s just happened and talk it through,” then do so things like “ how was you feeling? Why did you feel that way? What do you think you could have done better for a better outcome”
Talk through actions and consequences with them. Let them know that it’s ok to make mistakes everyone does all that matters is you learn from them. Help them to think for themselves and how they can learn from situations.
Praise praise praise. “ wow you put your toys away that’s so helpful and kind” if they didn’t ask “ why didn’t you put your toys away” ask “if they’d like your help”
Lots of hugs when needed. If they are hurt by someone’s actions ask them “ how do you feel” let them know “ it’s ok to feel that way “ then follow up with something like “ how could you feel better about this? What could you do or what could we do”
Try to take their lead from there feelings and guide them to help themselves, whilst they know you will always be their to help and support them.
No it’s not easy but when they have one negative, narcissist parent filling the head with all sorts, they need one amazing supportive one to help guild them. Remember you can do this you can raise one or five amazing happy children who feel loved and secure and are also very aware of how you should and should treat others. How they will and will not allow others to treat them. You have been given the ability to teach and educate your children about something others will not know. Turn everything you can into a positive. Within yourself and your children, teach them the negative and how they can turn that negative around. Within themselves and for themselves.