How To Handle A Narcissist.
The grey rock method is often used when you have children with a toxic or narcissistic person.
You need to take back control of your mind, your thoughts and your feelings, leaving what you can not. Creating a positive mind for yourself, tell yourself good positive things, creating a happy home for you and your children.
Ignore what happens when your children are with the ex, let the ex parent their own way. Just make sure you stick to your own boundaries and rules and parenting with your technique when the children are with you. Positively talk to your children, so they gain a positive mindset too.
You can not control how your ex treats your children. You can only control how you treat the children and how you talk to them and how you explain things to them.
One happy parent will see the children happy.
Never respond to an ex if they’ve done something to or with the children that you don’t like, the narcissist will recognise that they got a reaction from you and they will just do more of it.
Instead, concentrate and yourself and your children.
As the saying goes, you can’t get blood from a stone. A narcissist can not get reactions from you if you don’t respond.
So you need to be a rock for yourself towards the narcissist so they get nothing from you that would provide the narcissist with what they want from you, which is attention, which is your reactions, which is for them to know they are getting at you. Remember, no reaction is a reaction, and it’s a powerful one.
Keep any conversations to a minimum and to the point if you don’t have to talk to them, don’t. Just say hello when they pick the children up, for the children to know how to greet people nothing more, have the children ready before you open the door so that it can be quick with little conversation. Avoid interacting with them as much as possible. But don’t make it a big deal as this will just give the narcissist ammunition.
When you do have to talk to them, stick to the point, respond in a business-like manner, need to know basis. If they start to ask more questions, give short, to the point, uninspiring answers that can’t possibly lead to further conversation. Do not allow yourself to get drawn in.
A simple yes and no will do whenever possible, but sometimes, the question might mean you need to commit to an answer if you’re not ready to commit, just respond with, maybe, perhaps or we’ll see nothing more.
Do not chat about your personal life, even the smallest details. Remain quiet about your life without them, any response you do have to make, make it boring, I’m doing the washing, etc., try not to respond at all. Never tell them how well you are doing.
Do not ask them questions even if it seems like harmless small talk.
Don’t allow them to take you off topic, recognise the games they are playing.
Try to stick to facts only, wherever possible, only short statements about children that they need to know as this will make it hard for them to turn the statement into a conversation.
Avoid any mention of the past at all costs, if they mention it, just say, “That’s the past.”
If they try to blame you for anything in the past or now just say ok. Even if it were not you, a simple ”ok.” would do, they are trying anything to get a conversation or reaction from you.
Watch when they try and twist things into an argument, remember you don’t have to take part in every argument you’re invited to, you don’t have to prove them wrong. You don’t have to prove yourself right to them, retreat, rethink and only respond if you need to do so if you feel like you need to say something at the moment. “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Or “That’s how you think which is great. However, it’s not how I think.”
Remind yourself, they are not looking for compromise, they don’t understand it, nor do they know how you or your children feel, the more you give them, the more they can use things against you.
They will have learned what insecurities trigger emotional reactions from you, you have to become emotionally unpredictable with them, by no longer reacting, and even praising them when they do good by the children, stroking their ego, reminding yourself it’s for your children’s best interest. You’re not doing it for you or the narcissist, and you’re doing it for the children.
Keep your boundaries, keep your standards, stick with your no.
The Grey Rock Method is not always easy, but it is often effective.
You might want to scream and shout at the narcissist at times, they will just come back for more. Stay quite. Tell yourself good positive thoughts and move on with your own life and your own self-worth.
More on grey rock.
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Elizabeth Shaw is not a Doctor or a therapist. She is a mother of five, a blogger, a survivor of narcissistic abuse, and a life coach, She always recommends you get the support you feel comfortable and happy with. Finding the right support for you. Elizabeth has partnered with BetterHelp (Sponsored.) where you will be matched with a licensed councillor, who specialises in recovery from this kind of abuse.
The narcissist and their children.